it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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