Don't make out with my wife yet
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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