I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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