This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
