Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
