just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
