i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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