How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
