My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Randomize
