new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
