omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
