If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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