i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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