I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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