I want to walk on stilts...naked
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
