Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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