Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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