i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
