Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
