Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Randomize
