he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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