So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
