shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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