Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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