You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
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