I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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