On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
