I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
