he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
