Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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