Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
