tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
