I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
People in love make me want to vomit
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
