I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
