i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
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