Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
