Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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