I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
