thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
