I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
