Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
