he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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