You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
