R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
barbara walters just said penis...
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
