New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
