Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
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this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.