you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
