Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
being pregnant is like rehab
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
