I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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