I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
