I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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