I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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