My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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