seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
