YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
