Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
