Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
